There were plans. Of buying a brand new TV for home. Of replacing the 10-year old monitor. And then there was also the lack of time as I was drawing closer to the end of my vacation in Bangalore. And then, there was the news of the layoffs. It came in TOI so I wasn’t too bothered. But still I looked it up on Google and sure enough people were talking about it. I shelved most plans and returned to Seattle with a strong feeling in the gut that Jan wasn’t going to be an easy month.
And then on the D-day I lost two colleagues from my team. It wasn’t easy and it hurt me to see that two colleagues with whom I had been working so closely over the past one year would no longer be there from the next day. It was hard. It should’ve shaken me out of my comfort zone, but instead it fostered the growing fatalism in me. I took it hard, but then over the days that followed, as I saw people going about their work and lives, I realized that life and work just went on without all those who were gone. It scared me that that will exactly be the scene when I moved on from my team. Its even scarier that this is how its going to be in life too. People will mourn you and then move on as if you never existed and you’ll only be there in photographs and memories.
Then, as if on cue there was a reorg and a change of manager. It raised hopes of a second India trip to attend Shankar’s wedding. And the planning for it began, before I realized the precarious nature of the situation and decided to drop it and stay put.
Cricket,one of my biggest passions, began for the year despite single digit temperatures. We had lost a couple of our best players as they had moved on to other places or returned home. I felt the loss as there were new faces to be introduced and gotten used to in the team, new levels of comfort established. I missed the old team. And then within a couple of weeks there was a team. There was a mild comfort. Again, it worried me how much someone’d miss us when we left. Of course they were key players and performance wise we’ll definitely feel the pinch.
The last couple of months has seen a lot happening personally than the whole of last year put together. And yes, it has been slower. I have felt it move a lot slower than before as I have been going through each experience, of each loss, painfully and excruciatingly.
There is this Damocles’ dagger hanging over my head all the time, but strangely I feel at peace. Have never felt more at peace in fact. The restlessness that I felt over the last year is gone. Maybe it is the growing fatalism that I have fatalistically stopped fighting letting it do a complete take over. A sense of jo hoga so hoga. I don’t know how good it is. But the past tells me that a sense of comfort zone never works out well. There is always something to shake me out of it. Even when I decided to stand still, life has found its ways of reminding me that things around me change, and am just a part of it, and will need to go along. Will need to move on…