I look back over the year that was 2009 and go "Wait…I’ve seen that somewhere before". The deja vu with 2008 is too stark to be missed.
I did the same things I did in 2008, the same job, the same team. End of the year just before I headed off to Bangalore for my vacation (like in 2008!) I looked back to realize I was doing the same thing I was doing in 2008 too – looking for something to do as the year wore off and there was uncertainty over what we’d be doing the next year. I wondered if I were in something stuck in time recycling the same thing year after year before starting afresh at the start of each new one.
Personally, the deja vu couldn’t be summarized better than from the fact that every time I look at a photograph of mine or of places visited when in the US, or even remember events, it takes me a decent while to figure out which year it was taken 2008 or 2009. Both years went by in a flash. Both making me realize that those are years am never going to get back, that even though they feel alike I grew a year older in each. I went to the gym 4 days a week both years and stayed the same weight all the time. I did the usual trips to places which most people call interesting and crowd to during the Holidays marked out for people to travel to these places. After such trips I look at pics and feel confused where they are from. They all seem to look alike and most ‘new’ places have a feeling of been there, seen that, now show me something new! Trips that, however, also made me realize that when it comes to friendships you renew some like memberships and also outgrow some along the way.
Maybe I have just been pampered by having years where everything was different right from the time I finished engineering. 2002 and 2003 were Shenzhen and a new job and project. 2004 saw Beijing and the IIMs. 2005 was all about Bangalore and applying for an Australian visa. 2006 was back to the books and a new city – Melbourne. 2007 was about my thesis, vacation in Bangalore and then arrival in the US.
I guess years that seem similar is something I have to accept as the general rule instead of the exception. Unless I go around self destructing or changing things just because they need to be changed.
But there were some things different. Like my parents visiting the US. It made them happy and they had a good time. Makes you realize how much being away from a routine for a while is important. I wrote more (The same number of posts technically, but invested more on each one in 2009 than in 2008). Ideas froze up towards the end, except when in Bangalore end of the year. I wonder if I’ll be able to remember them all and write them down or let them fade away in the greyness here. 2 of my best friends got married. Still feel disappointed at not having been able to attend Shankar’s wedding. Having known him and Neelu personally for so long am one person who should’ve been there! Managed to attend Raagu’s wedding and he promptly disappeared after that, the way only married folks manage to do. Surprises me how ashwinne is still so active online.
I sometimes wonder if I can walk away from everything and learn and do different things right from the scratch all over again. People tell me I can’t, that one should settle down. But I wonder what settling down means. I guess its something every body does and has been doing for generations and hence I need to do too!
As for 2010, I hope its different from 2009. I want to try some things out. Maybe get myself a Mac. Simply because I haven’t owned one before. Maybe learn a new instrument. Want to spend more time and learn more with the flute, but no good teachers around here to continue my education. The violin beckons, so might learn that, but again depends on being able to find a good teacher. I want to see less movies, maybe cut down the Netflix subscription a bit. More books is something to tend towards.
And last but not the least, do something about my current state of existence, maybe start living and stop just existing.