And so far…

Its been more than 4 months since I landed here. Not enough time to take stock I guess. But enough time for a routine to set in and to forget that a world outside this existed somewhere far far away just 4-5 months back. That I lived through snow, rain and clouds is definitely past.

So how has it been? The first few months I felt were going to be the worst as I tried to build up something here. Turned out I was wrong. I had a great time the first few months. My cousin dropped by often and there were things happening that I had the energy for. Maybe I was trying to justify my relocation to myself. Saying this is it. This is fun etc.

4 months later, I have a routine. At work, am someone who can get things done and no longer the one just learning the ropes at the new place. I like the time in the bus. It is good fun. I like the bike commute once a week. It has always been good fun driving through Bangalore traffic when its not at its worst.

However I see myself hitting a plateau, the way it happened in Seattle. But there I was alone. There were things happening which I sought out. People coming and going to and from the city. Bangalore is the place I have returned to. The sheer magnitude of the city has never been felt before. Every person living more than 10 kms away lives in a different world. Sometimes the fact that I have moved back becomes evident with social obligations. Suddenly there are weddings to attend. Functions to go to. Some are fun. Most are obligations.

I see myself stagnating. I think that’s inevitable with every life. You hit a stage where you remain for a long time. I remember my cousin telling me “Hope you find whatever you are seeking”. I wonder if what am seeking is an escape from stagnation, a state of being in constant movement. At some level I want to settle down into a nice routine. But I guess, somewhere after a while a need/longing will rise to kick myself out of the routine.

But then there is family. Like the days my niece comes over where I sit her down (or try to) and talk to her just for the fun of it. Or when there’s a family function where we all huddle inside a stone temple in the middle of summer in parched TN, sweat pouring from our skins and get around to joking about things.

I don’t know what to make out of life. Of what’s happening with mine. I guess am always in a confused state, but then I wonder if that’s the state I chose for myself. Sometimes getting what you want and all the answers you seek might not be a good thing.

I wonder if I should ‘settle’ down in the true sense. But then I wonder if all I’ll end up doing is waiting out the inevitable in a nice little routine chosen by society which’ll make it less cumbersome. Ah, life!


6 thoughts on “And so far…

    1. There are never regrets as long as you know they were conscious choices by you and not something you were forced into.
      But then we are a product of our circumstances and the choices we make are influenced by them more than we like to accept. But no, have never had much regrets. We know and realize that at some points in life we could have done something better. If you don’t you are never learning much. But then thinking back and regretting is something I’ve never done. I guess because I’ve never thought a different direction would have helped me much in the first place (or I just call it sour grapes so as not to regret :D)

  1. I know the feeling you write about.. the see saw between wanting a routine and the restiveness of life.. wanting to do more, as if I am wasting life, as if am letting my potential atrophy, as if, as if,… well it is like that, the cycle..

    1. Yeah…can’t help it i guess…
      as long we get the sudden burst where we do things and then settle back into the routine…maybe have best of both the worlds…
      But then that itself is a routine 😀

  2. yeah I suppose it is a routine, everything is. It came to me strongly this time on my trip to pgt and tvm. People are getting older, time goes on, similar cycles in everyone’s lives. we have this feeling of being unique.. but then as years roll, we realise we are part of a larger cycle that keeps going.. life can’t be scintillating every moment, that is the truth. one has to deal with diabetes, fridge not working(when I got home!) and in between those are rare moments of absolute glory! I wait for those moments even as I call up the elusive service centre to send a technician!

    1. Similar cycles when they chose the same path. I agree everyone is not unique. We just choose a different cycle. For e.g. a 40 year old man could have chosen any number of paths based on what he prioritizes more – family, career, a balance between the two, own business, or sometimes even spirituality, or lack of commitment to anything…
      No matter what he chooses he will not be unique. There will be many who’ll have done that. He just chooses a different cycle.

      I agree life can’t be scintillating every moment. I do find words like ‘live every moment’ a tad too simplified. We need flashes at times which we’ll remember and take with us(the rare moments of glory). They won’t make sense otherwise if every other moment was like them. We’ll just not realize the value of those moments.

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