It’s not easy. Blogging has never been easy for me. Not when you consciously shelve ideas which you feel you’re beating to death. Not when you are constantly looking to dig deep into yourself, not liking what you find there and still trying to write something, even if it’s bullshit.
Sometimes it becomes a matter of ‘I can’t’ rather than I won’t; times when you struggle to put together a sentence, when they make fleeting appearances delighting you with how they’re formed, but not letting you grasp. I won’t call it writer’s block. That would be flattering myself and worse, trivializing whatever it is.
It hasn’t been easy the past couple of months. In fact it’s been more than the past couple of months. More days than less fighting to get off bed. Totems that helped, no longer there when needed. Some fears added, others amplified and exposed to more often. I know I could be in a better place and I know I will be. Have always held faith in the future holding something pleasant – a promised ‘Happily ever after’ where you can sit back with a beer and look back (Don’t we all?). It’s one of those little things that gets us going through traffic jams and long flights – the stability that comes at the end of it, home, your own bed to sleep in. The idea is all about finding your home and your bed.
At the moment all I can say is, I’ll be back. This is not a hiatus for the blog. Writing is something I love and this blog is a part of me. I will do whatever it takes to get back to writing whatever shit that can get me 500 words. At the moment though, the rate will be lower. I see people checking in regularly from different parts of the world. I know who some of you are. I have no idea who many are, but you are fairly regular. All I can say is, thank you! I notice your presence and your checking up regularly. It gives me hope. You have no idea how much! Once again, thank you!