I can’t believe it’s July already! Half a year gone by, just like that. Whoooosh! Can I get some breathing space please? So that I can wave at it, sit down with a cup of coffee or tea and watch it go. I wish I could say Beer or Scotch, but I’ve almost become a teetotaller. So coffee and tea it would be.
I have been preparing for this post for a while now. I sit in my cab in the morning, counting the minutes, looking at the time at different checkpoints and predicting the time I’d reach work, while forming words to pen down. Of course, it doesn’t matter whether you start late or early – the traffic jam in the last 2 kms is what determines whether you reach on time or not. Either way, I have been preparing for this post, coming up with the most eloquent sentences. Except that I forgot all of them and my mind is pretty much blank. Which is as it should be.
I ran by the lake after many months. I can’t believe it has been 3.5 years since I started running regularly and the lake is what got me into the habit of running. Over a period of time it deteriorated to the point where I had to block my nose and abandon it and move to the University campus. Now they’ve got a worker who resides there and tends to the path, and the Sewage Treatment Plant is also running fine. You get to see nice water in the lake and lots of birds. Its good to be back. I honestly hated driving 2 kms to run. (I couldn’t run those 2 kms as the footpath is usually a makeshift urinal, and dogs on the streets aren’t too used to people running.)
I need to have a conversation with myself. Something proper and not dilly-dally or beat around the bush. This is what I wanted to start with and I ended up doing exactly what I wanted not to do – fill up with words that went all over the place. I don’t even know what I want or even what I need, but I know I want something, and need something, badly. I wish it could be something as simple as a vacation, which is actually the most difficult thing to do. The very process of planning puts me off.
But I digress. Somehow I feel like am living a failing marriage, where I fight over the little things in the hope that the big ones won’t be spoken about. I fill up the silences with little noises so that I don’t have to confront them. But what will I unearth? Is there anything there? What if I go deep and find a big, gigantic hole, an emptiness? And what does it mean to have a conversation with myself? Do I make a list? And what if the action I would need to take is not something I can. Will I be able to reconcile with that and carry on doing what I am doing, carry on living what I am living?
I sometimes wonder if it’s just the process of growing up, or is it the consequence of playing the video game differently, not unlocking the appropriate achievements and moving on to the next level until Game Over. Or is it a hope that not moving to the next level prevents “Game over”? (Nah! Really, Nah!) No game likes that, and definitely not the makers.
I don’t know. I am not blaming Twitter or Facebook for anything now. This is just me cowing down under the weight of responsibility. Shuddering at the thought that am no longer free to do what I want, whenever I want. Or is it the fear that what if I become free, I might not know what to do? A sudden paralysis when faced with all possibilities. Maybe that’s what wants me to run, to give up everything. And do what? We are back to what I asked 4 years back.
Honestly, I don’t even know what it is. What if life does an Amrish Puri and tells me “jaa, jee le apni zindagi“? I don’t even know which train to board! It probably won’t even be in a Railway station and I’d be wondering what to do! I need a break. I want to go away from everything for a month, just be and get back. But getting back isn’t easy. Every vacation I take, it becomes more and more difficult. A sign that I am not in a happy place. (Really?! what was your first hint?!)
I do make conscious efforts to give up friends. Sometimes I don’t see the point in trying to be in touch with those who don’t want to be. It happens easier than I thought. A few months of no contact and poof, they’re gone! I wish I could do that to some family. Gets trickier there! But it has also taught me to keep those who remain closer. Sometimes I wonder if that’s how you end up with what you are, by a process of whittling down all that is not you.
Oh well, as always, this was expected to be blue, but I don’t know how honest I was here, only time will tell. Or maybe not. There are always the little things.