I looked at my blog, scrolled past the recent entries, and did not like what I saw. I have stopped writing. I am now putting up photos and describing what’s in them. I am recounting incidents, I am putting up a list of stuff I did. The only thing that comes close is something I had written about a list.
There isn’t anything being written as such. This morning I had a discussion on Twitter which I pulled out of citing the ‘agree to disagree’ clause, something am using a lot these days. It’s surprising how many people don’t read your bio which clearly says “Will not explain RTs”. Then I came to my blog and started writing long about why am actively disengaging, only to realise that by writing that am only proving that am not really disengaging, but just going away to engage elsewhere. That zen state where I don’t really care and can really just ignore with a pointer to the bio is yet to be reached. One day, I will.
The reason why I mentioned that was that I came close to writing a post that wasn’t a straightforward thing. My point is about writing, and why am doing so less of it. I don’t really have an answer. OK, this is becoming some kind of navel gazing I engage in constantly. I usually end up blaming Social Media, but I think the problem runs deeper. It’s been a while since I really got deep into a book and enjoyed it. I do enjoy books and my reading rate is still good, but the reading is becoming more perfunctory where am struggling to disengage with the world around and engage with the book.
It definitely is hard to read when you’re constantly on-call at home, having to run downstairs for every issue, apparent and real. The construction noise around has ended, so I might find some peace to read. I do find peace to read. I managed to get to some level of depth with Paul Kalanithi’s “When Breath Becomes Air”. I might even end up reviewing it on GR and on this blog if it gets long enough.
I don’t know about writing though. I don’t know when I’ll find that space to write. It is less about topics than finding that flow where most things in your thoughts flow straight into words. In fact, it’s not even that. On such days your thoughts are just flowing around and you can follow them and find the words. But the thoughts are coherent, they stay on the topic or at least around it. When struggling it’s mostly a child’s mind forced to do homework while all it wants is to run away and play. You really can’t get much done there. And what comes out also sucks.
And I realise this is the state at work too. There’s hardly that level of engagement I look for. Most days it is becoming a case of making a list of small items and then connecting them up through small tasks that I manage to get through. Getting deep into code and wiring up pieces deep inside, that’s not happening much.
This is usually just a phase, and sometimes I just come up with something in a few days. I really hope that is the case this time too. One only hopes that days of writing stuff that was even remotely interesting aren’t all gone.